Staying

I was looking at old pictures of myself the other day with another soldier. "You don't look anything like you do now," he said innocently. And I thought all of a sudden he was right. There were superficial things like my face is thinner now, my eyebrows are less plucked, my hair has natural sun streaks instead of the bleach bottle blond I used to be. There is no make-up on my face now, my hair is rarely seen down and my outfits come with only a few accessories, a watch, a ring and my dog tags.
I still smile, big with my gums showing, its just a natural expression for me. Perhaps I look a bit older now, they say life can age you and I wonder if my time here is wearing me down. I asked a medic the other day about my blood shot eyes and the fact that often I have a slight shake of the hands. He answers that its probably stress for the eye and lack of water for the shake. Stress? Hmm, but what do I have to stress about? As far as war goes I'd like to know where it is because I haven't seen a sign of it in Balad. The chow hall has flat screen TVs, the pool has loud speakers blaring hip-hop, the Pizza Hut and Taco Bell are always crowded, we live in quite a safe bubble on the base. I do miss my friends and family like crazy sometimes. I wake up in the morning sometimes just aching to be home and I think about maybe I'll get the hell out of here tomorrow, but I never do.
I stay because its too hard to leave knowing that others have to stay.